Suicide is painless
by JoJo1
Summary: Someone does not want to keep on living anymore.


Rating: R for character death (gee, what did you expect with a title like that...) and mature themes  
Archiving: WRFA, Mutual Admiration, Dolphin Haven. Anyone else, ask first please.  
Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. And after this one one of 'em belongs to Heaven and neither Marvel or Fox can do anything about it...  
Feedback: Sure, bring it on.  
Setting: After the movie  
Authors notes: A lot of dark fics posted recently and I just had to enter that little competition...Don't kill me please...short and definately not sweet. Going from dark to dark is more like it.  
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I failed her.   
  
That's the thoughts that kept going through Logans mind like a CD-player on  
repeat. And a part of his subconscious was dead set on punishing him and kept   
telling him "Well, what did you expect bub? You've never been good at being there   
for someone else. Why would this one had been any different?" A question the conscious part  
of him had absolutely no answer too, much to his own dismay. He had wanted to be there   
for her so much, would have died for her if that's what it would take, but he had been   
too blind to see it.  
  
Storm, Jean, Chuck and Scott alike tried to tell him it wasn't his fault but  
they were talking to deaf ears. And they weren't much better of themselves either. They kept   
banging their heads against the wall, at times almost literally,  
in shame, frustration, guilt and rage. The place was supposed to be a safe  
haven and at least Xavier and Jean had begun to wonder what the meaning of it all was. What's   
the point in offering people food and shelter if you can't see the signs of a desperate cry for   
help until it's too late? And with those two being the resident telepaths they felt should have  
seen it coming and done something to prevent it, even if no other could have  
possibly foreseen it. Rightly or wrongly, that was how they felt.  
  
The School for Gifted Youngsters had become a school filled with zombies if you  
looked at the faces of the staff and students alike. Pale faces with the only colour evident was   
in the eyes, usually red as in having cried too much lately. No one could understand what had driven Marie   
to do it. She had just always seemed to be the living epitome of the happiest girl every one could hope for.   
Just a lie. Maybe even to herself, until she couldn't take it any longer.  
  
And to think that as late as yesterday evening everything had been normal.  
Marie and the kids that had been closest to her had had one of their weekly movie-marathons and everyone seemed   
to have had enjoyed themselves and very much so. Jubilee, Kitty, Bobby, Piotr, Illyana, Sam and Remy. And Marie especially.   
Now everyone doubted they would ever have fun ever again.  
  
The morning after Logan had knocked on her door to get her up of bed. One of  
their rituals. She was a notorious late-sleeper and had gotten quite a liking to being awoken by Logan At times  
Logan had wondered if she didn't overslept on purpose...but this morning he didn't get his usual "I'm sleeping,  
go away" sleepy response even after the usual pounding on the door. He couldn't smell her in there either so  
perhaps she had already gotten up by herself for a change. He opened the door and looked inside. No, she was  
still in her bed sleeping soundly. Or that's what he thought for a split second until he saw that she wasn't  
breathing and then he immediately rushed over to her bed, checking and praying that he was wrong and was ready to claw  
out his own heart when the truth hit home.  
  
She was already dead, beyond any help he could give, and had been for a few  
hours. He sunk to his knees, unable to talk but apparently he must have thought loud enough to get Jean to  
come over and see what was wrong. What she saw was Logan tightly clutching Maries limp body, caressing  
her and stroking her forehead, the skin now touchable with tears running down his cheeks. And a sad smile on  
Maries lips. Jean immediatly understood. And if she hadn't, the empty bottle of sleeping pills on the bedside table gave  
all clues necessary.  
  
Until the day Jean herself would die, she'd never understand herself where she  
found the strength in not only getting Logan away from her body but informing the others of what had happened as well.  
She wasn't even sure she wanted to understand where it had come from.  
  
The only counselation, if counselation it was, was that the death had been  
painless. Marie had simply fallen asleep, never to wake up again. A weak counselation at best.  
  
And there were no clues as to why either. She had left just a short goodbye  
note that was under the now empty bottle. All it said was  
  
"Don't be sad for me. I'm going to where I belong, where I can be happy. Be  
happy until we see eachother again."  
  
Written below that, in almost unreadable small print, was the phrase 'Suicide  
is painless'. A note Logan kept safe for the rest of his days.  
  
That note was the only clue they had. The only clue for most anyway. Logan had  
one more, one he was reluctant to share. He felt like a selfish bastard to not share it but he just couldn't do  
it. Maries CD-player had been playing one song on repeat and he didn't think anyone had caught onto what the singer  
was singing. He had though and it made him feel even more guilty.  
  
"Angel, don't take those sleeping pills, you don't need them  
Though it's just time they kill,  
Angel, give me your sleeping pills, you don't need them  
Give me the time they kill"  
  
He was relieved that he didn't know for sure but was so afraid that that was directed at him. He had known for some time that   
she had more than friendly feelings for him. Feelings he had tried to dissuade her from having. "Please God, don't let  
this be a result of that" he prayed. Which is telling something since Logan's as much of an atheist as they come.  
  
He didn't quite suceeded in convincing himself.  
  
"I don't know if you can hear me Marie. I guess I won't until I die. But if you do hear me I hope that you're happy  
now. And just to let you know, suicide isn't painless. Not for us left behind. But I'm not mad at you. I never could  
be. You just means too much for me for that. I will miss you, kiddo and I'll  
try to feel happy, as you wanted me to be. Just not right now okay?"  
  
One more promise he never suceeded in keeping. 


End file.
